Real good Ideas and Sound Visions you had here. For my personally taste i prefer a bit more punch on the kick drum. Snare were fine and snappy.

So the parts and piece are very good.
The delivery (the mix) good use some help.
The low end is missing. If you monitored thru a system so that you could hear through speakers sounds from 35HZ to 90 HZ, you could listen to commercial songs for how they achieve an overall broad frequency range on their mixes.
Since you already have nailed the parts, you should consider in the mix, remove any low pass filters to let more of the 30-60 hz thru. Then, make sure you can easily feel and hear the kick and bass parts.
Then, you adjust the overall levels to harmonize.
I think a simple adjustment like this would help a lot.